Every day, I leave him again.
Today marked my first return to the beach since I lost my Tanner.
The beach was one of his favorite places. I don’t know what he loved best about it, but he could spend hours in the sand, his skinny little back hunched over, his legs spread wide forming a circle as he poured sand from a red Solo cup watching the mound grow and the sand fly in the breeze only to stop and smooth it perfectly when the pile got too high.
When it got too hot in the sand he would move to jumping that tiniest tip of the water as it washed ashore. The surprised glee he emitted every time the water caught the backs of his ankles was infectious. It usually didn’t take long before he found a young child to play with and together they would spend hours being silly in the waves.
The bright beach sun also made for wonderful shadows and there was little Tanner loved as
much as watching the dark shapes on the ground transform as he moved. He loved to watch his shadows as he acted out the opening sequence of Power Rangers. For all of you who are sure you once spotted a Power Ranger on Camp Pendleton’s shore, it was just my Tanner.
Watching him on the beach was always peaceful for me. It was all the joy of watching a four-year-old without the worry they might run into the ocean.
Blessed is the mom of an eternal child.
I maintained my composure throughout the day but watching the children play just left me with a deep, empty, longing feeling.
As I stared at a vacant space in the sand, I could see him clearly. He was in his happy place, hunched over, methodically watching the sand pour from the cup. “How you doing, T?” He would have cocked his head to the side, looked at me with a wide, quiet grin and thrown me a thumbs up.
It wasn’t until I prepared to leave the beach that my heart sunk into the pit of my stomach.
I’m beginning to see a pattern in my pain.
I can’t ever bring myself to leave the familiar places. Every time I try, I find myself frozen in space, just standing, looking at the emptiness. I search for him in my memories and try to project one last glimpse of him. In these moments, I am never able to visualize him leaving with me… it’s always me walking away from him. In that, it’s become impossible to turn away until I utter him a quiet promise that it’s not by choice that I leave him or the spaces where I can find him. And as I walk away from the familiar, from the memories, each time I feel as though I’m walking away from him all over again.
He’s got to know that I would never leave him.
It terrifies me the day will someday come that I look to the ocean, scan the beaches, and just see sand.
I pray that moment never comes.
.
.
Oh, my Tanner. I miss you more every day. I search for you in every moment. I love you more than yesterday and more than you’ll ever know. Heaven can’t come soon enough.
