In talking with some new friends today they pointed out something interesting…
There’s a name for a person whose spouse dies: widow.
There’s a name for a child whose parents die: orphan.
But there’s no name for a parent who loses their child.
There should be.
My life was turned upside down the day I lost my beautiful Tanner. I think so many of us parents-with-dead-babies find ourselves grasping for something to identify with, a way to feel seen or understood, an official title to a club we wish we could leave.
I was told recently that I’m different than I used to be.
It’s true.
Grief changes you.
There are some days I wish I was stronger and could move past this faster and be the rock my loved ones need. But most days, I’m almost grateful for the pain. Not because I cherish the hurt, but it’s often all I feel I have that connects me to the child in Heaven who stole my heart.
My heart is so shattered that even in my strongest moments, when I wish to be there for the ones who need me, all I can offer is an outstretched hand with just a sliver of what used to be an overflowing heart.
The sermon on Sunday at Mariners was about listening to God and following him.
Listening and following.
Listening and following.
During a moment of silence, we were led to listen. I prayed God would speak to me: how do I go on when so much of my identity was as Tanner’s mom? But there was nothing. Just silence. Never have I felt more lost or far from the Father in Heaven who is surely holding my baby boy’s hand.
I resent it. He’s taken so much from me and feels a million miles away. And yet, we’re called to trust, to have faith.
The pastor prayed and I stared off to the distance as the worship team rejoined him on stage.
They began to sing….
“You’re a good good Father
It’s who you are
It’s who you are
“And I’m loved by you
It’s who I am
It’s who I am.”
I didn’t sing along. I listened. In that moment of listening, I heard Him.
I will always be Tanner’s mom, the blessed one who got to adopt him and love him for thirteen fleeting years. No one can ever take that from me. It will never change.
But I am first my Father’s daughter, a child loved by the King.
It’s not a new identity, it’s always been my identity.
It’s who I am.
It’s who I am.
.
.
#LivingForTanner
#ForeverMyBabysMom
#ForeverMyFathersChild
