I’m not okay.
And I finally learned, or maybe just finally accepted, that it’s still okay to not be okay.
I’ve heard and felt buzzings that, at almost 5 months into my son’s death, I should be farther along. People know people who have gone back to work much sooner.
But I came to learn that other people know people who went back to work too soon and then crashed from grief a year later…
My head wants to be okay.
My heart wants to be with my baby.
My body is begging for time to heal.
In four months I lost my baby, my precious first son, I lost my finances and my job, I lost my fiancé and my future (as I saw it then).
It’s honestly a lot for one to handle. Some days it seems like too much… way too much.
Stress can have such a powerful hold on the body. I’ve been trying to fight it but I’m starting to accept that this is a battle so much bigger than me.
I can’t just will myself well.
I can’t just decide to put one foot in front of the other. (Unless those feet are running to the toilet because I’m puking.)
Other Angel Moms will agree: you can’t begin to fathom this road unless you’ve walked it.
Friends: if you haven’t gone through this level of grief or trauma, I want to share what I am dealing with. Not so that anyone feels sorry for me, but because I don’t think we — as a community — can comprehend the toll of grief. I think understanding can help us sympathize. This road can be very different for everyone, but for me (on a near daily basis) I experience: fluctuating vision loss to the point that words on my phone sometimes look like ants, lightheaded, dizzy, nausea, puking, weight loss, depression, spiraling emotions, racing heart, confusion, inability to process simple directions or tasks, forgetfulness, inability to multi-task, and exhaustion.
And that’s after five months.
When you’re used to being healthy, smart and able to handle anything that comes your way, trying to work within these new, very debilitating parameters is exhausting and utterly frustrating.
Today I spent an afternoon with a newer friend, one who also happens to be a doctor and who lost her beautiful daughter three years ago.
Admittedly, I’d been trying to compare myself to her: this smart professional woman who seemed to be able to put it all back together after she lost her daughter. In some ways, it made me feel inadequate. I’ve wondered whether I was allowing myself to be some hyped-up drama queen feeling sorry for myself. I’ve been pushing myself to “get over it” and to “move on.”
And she admitted that three years later she struggles with the stress of picking out an outfit or uses post-it’s to remind her of simple things. Honestly, it was a huge relief to find out she’s still messed up… just like me.
I’m not crazy.
I’m not a drama queen.
I’m okay to not be okay.
I’m Tanner’s mom and I miss him… with every single ounce of my heart, soul and body.
Apparently, those symptoms I listed above? Nothing more than clinical symptoms of a truly broken heart.
There are good moments and hard moments. A few great moments and some that seem to swallow me into depths of despair.
I’m having a bad day. But, I find a little peace in knowing I’m not alone… or crazy.
One foot in front of the other.
One breath and then another.
#MissingMyTanner
#TannerILoveYouForAlways
#LivingForTanner
