This is where it began.
I waited 41 years to find the man I wanted to marry. When I finally met him, he was different from anything I ever imagined, but somehow it worked and we knew it was meant to be. On this day last year, December 14th, I agreed to be his wife.
Everything seemed to be in place. I had a man I loved, two amazing sons I adored, a step-daughter-to-be that I was becoming closer with by the day, and a future that I was excited for. It was a brand new life and a whole new world.
And I was getting spoiled… spoiled by a man who would have dinner ready when I walked in from auction, spoiled by having my doors held open and a hand to hold, spoiled by having a partner for the first time in my life.
When I look back on this past year, December 14, 2016 is where it all began. It was the high before the fall. It was one of the most special times in my life… and just as fast as it seemed to come, it was gone.
I won’t pretend everything was perfect. As with any relationship, we encountered trials as we adjusted to our new lives together and a blending of our families.
A few days after my son died, a friend brought dinner and pulled me aside. “If you love him, let him go,” she said. Again she repeated herself, “If you love him, let him go.” Her advice was to give him my blessing to take six months off from our relationship in hopes we would come out the other side of the devastating loss together.
An angel mom herself, she knew the pain of losing a child and the road ahead of me. She knew the strains such a magnificent loss would place on a young relationship. She also knew the compounding pain of losing the man you love when your love can’t withstand the pain of death.
Even the strongest of marriages sometimes fail to survive the death of a child.
And we were so new: only four months into an engagement after a whirlwind romance. As my ex and I started to seriously struggle in the weeks after Tanner’s death, my friend’s advice repeated over and over in my head.
I wish I had taken it.
I often wonder if I could have saved my relationship.
Throughout my loss of Tanner, I have shared and been so honest about so much. But around June and July I began to feel like a fraud. I wasn’t telling you the whole truth, I wasn’t being fully transparent. For a while, as my relationship began to fail, I stopped writing updates. I was ashamed. I was heartbroken. My brain couldn’t compartmentalize the losses and everything began to blend. I couldn’t talk about my grief over my son without talking about my grief over the loss of a love I was desperately trying to hold onto… and I just wasn’t prepared to admit I had failed to keep my fragile family together in the wake of my baby earning his angel wings.
So I just stopped talking, I stopped sharing.
But this is a part of my story. Losing the man I loved in the way I did was a significant contributor to my breaking… it was all too much. I want other angel moms walking this same path to know they’re not alone.
The last few months I have dreaded today. Dreaded the reminder of what I had and what I lost. Dreaded the day that seemed to set the worst year of my life into motion. I’ve cried heavy tears wishing I could make today never come.
But it’s here. And I am strangely at peace.
Waking up, I thought back to the entry from Jesus Calling that I read on October 5th. Another day I was yearning to avoid, it marked the one-year anniversary of meeting my ex.
“Remember that Joy is not dependent on your circumstance… Do not judge a day devoid of Joy just because it contains difficulties. Instead, concentrate on staying in communication with Me… If you make problem-solving secondary to the goal of living close to Me, you can find Joy in even your most difficult of days.”
I confess I have held onto a deep hatred for the woman who injected herself into my engagement. She knew the loss we had experienced and the fragility of our relationship. She didn’t just take my fiancé, but she robbed me of the girl who was to be my daughter. She took a father and a sister from my son who has just lost his brother and best friend. Her presence exponentially compounded the pain and magnified the grief.
But I have to let go of hate if I want to find Joy.
And Joy is what I seek… for me, for my son and our tiny little family. It is truly what I now wish for my ex and the new family he created.
Yes, it might only be the 14th of December, but today marks the first day of a new year. I don’t have the same Joy that I had on this day last year. But rather than placing my joy in the promises of a fallible human and a stunning diamond ring, today — this new year — I am going to seek to find my Joy in Him.
For His promises will never fail.
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**Please keep any comments kind. This post is not to bash or find fault. It’s about being honest, my path and seeking Joy. My blog is currently being fixed and this post will be added when it is.**
(The photo is my engagement announcement photo from last year.)
