This morning I woke up, got dressed and quietly snuck out the front door. I didn’t want the dogs to bark.
Really, I didn’t want my son to ask me what I was doing outside.
I was looking for love.
Over the years, I’ve been blessed with friends (some men, some women) who have lovingly indulged my hopelessly-romantic, yet perpetually-single self with sweet gifts on Valentine’s Day. I used to have one guy friend who would make the drive in the dead of night to the homes of a few of his favorite single lady-friends to leave flowers on the windshield of our cars. It wasn’t romantic, just a sweet gesture to include us in this ridiculously unnecessary holiday. Another friend sent flowers, just to make sure I knew I was being thought of. And then there was the time I came home to a beautiful table setting with dinner and champagne left by the best friend a girl could ask for.
I’ve been spoiled.
So this morning I snuck out to see if any little fairies had left behind something for me to find.
There was nothing.
I checked the windshield of my car. I checked the mailbox. I even looked under the front mat.
It’s embarrassing to admit, but I was disappointed. As I do not have anyone to expect something from, my reaction caught me off-guard. I’m not in a relationship, not even casually dating anyone, and yet I was outside looking for signs of love.
Pathetic? Quite possibly the most ever.
Coming back inside, I glanced toward the kitchen island and saw this framed family photo. I saw Tanner’s joy and I saw the love that Travis, Josie (my niece) and I have for him. That’s when it occurred to me that I needed to stop looking outside and become more aware of the love inside.
Our home is full of love. I have an amazing son who reminds me every time we talk that he loves me. My family and friends – those who have stood by me and weathered the storm of this past year – are constant reminders of the truest love. Most of all, I’m surrounded by photos of my Tanner… and he radiates love. Even in his absence, you can still feel the warmth of his love through the sparkle in his smiling eyes.
That’s also when it occurred to me that I was outside looking for what someone may have done for me, but what had I done for anyone else? Nothing. Love, even in friendship, is not a one-way street.
New Years didn’t bring any new resolutions. Honestly, I was just happy to make it through another first without my silly boy. But this Valentine’s Day, I’m resolving to live more like Tanner, to love more, to love better. If I’ve learned nothing else since that fateful day 10 months and 3 days ago, it’s that we’re not guaranteed a tomorrow.
It’s time for me to stop looking for love… and start showing it instead.
And when I do, I have a feeling it’ll find its way right back to me.
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Tanner baby, mom loves you so much. Happy Valentine’s Day, my precious boy in heaven. You have my heart… and you always will.
