An Angel Who Calls Me Mom

Sitting down to write on the one-year anniversary of Tanner’s death and I’m flooded with memories of my baby… there isn’t a post long enough to do justice to the way I miss my child, my heart.

As I was endeavoring to put my feelings into words, a thought crossed my mind: How many moms can say they’re the mother of an angel?

The phrasing that stuck in my brain was specific and the word that gripped me was “can.”

Can.

As if it’s a gift or a blessing.

Can.

It is.

The concept is actually quite surreal. There’s an angel in Heaven who calls me mom.

For the first time since he died, in this very moment, I am able to see myself not as the mother of a dead child but rather one that is very much alive in Heaven. I am the mother of an angel. My baby is perfect, healthy, whole and joyfully happy.

Somehow I love him more today than I did a year ago. He is still my son and I am forever his mom.

It’s still my job to protect him, except now it’s his memory and joy I passionately protect instead of his health and happiness.

I still get to laugh with him through the photos, videos and precious memories I hold so dear.

This is not to suggest that being an Angel mom is suddenly an easy task. I am called to love someone I can not touch, to embrace the memories of a child I can no longer hold, to live a life of joy with the remnants of a shattered heart.

I can remember my panic at the first month’s anniversary and the fear that I was somehow already one-twelfth of the way to the one-year mark. It terrified me to think about a year without my baby and I honestly couldn’t imagine living my days without his hand to hold, his nose to poke, or his face to high-five with my hand.

There have been days I wasn’t sure I was going to survive and a few I didn’t want to.  But through it all, God’s been good and has carried me and Travis through the darkest of days.

Even in the those dark days, He is there. Today, this anniversary of my son becoming an angel could have been one such dark day. But reading this morning’s Jesus Calling and I am in awe of the way He orchestrates exactly what I need to hear:

April 11 – “Jesus Calling”, by Sarah Young

“This is the day that I have made. Rejoice and be glad in it… The best way to handle unwanted situations is to thank Me for them. This act of faith frees you from resentment and frees Me to work My ways into the situation, so that good emerges from it.

“To find Joy in this day (side note: we called Tanner our Joy Boy and “Joy” has been our word for him since he passed so, yes, we are seeking to find Joy in this day), you must live within its boundaries… I understand human frailty, and I know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past. There is abundant Life in My Presence today.”

Today we are having a Tanner Day and celebrating his life. We will perform Random Acts of Kindness in his name in hopes that he will bring smiles to new friends, we will take balloons to the kids in the unit where he passed, remember the medical team that fought so valiantly to save him, share special memories of him, watch Power Rangers and eat a lot of Thai Spice “noodos.”

I will thank God for every cherished memory and every moment of the 13 years that I was blessed enough to be his Earthly mom. I will remember that I’m the mom of a boy very alive in Heaven and thank God for entrusting me with one of his angels — a job not everyone is cut out for.

I can say there’s an angel who calls me mom.

I can. And I will.

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Tanner my love, my baby,

I know you’re happy in Heaven. I know you have no more sick, no more hurt. Your brother and I miss you every day with every ounce of our being. We love you so very much and life doesn’t feel right without you. Be with us today. Help us find new friends who need a smile.

Dance, baby.