I never wanted to have an only child.
There was no question when I sought out to adopt Tanner that he would be the first of many. He was as cute, easy and loveable as they come.
Tanner’s adoption finalized November 15, 2004. For a while, it was just the two of us, but about two years later I knew it was time for Tanner to get his brother.
“I could do one hundred more Tanners,” I thought to myself. And I could have!
Enter child number two, Travis.
Travis was nearly the polar opposite of his brother: he was a sweet-hearted rambunctious toddler without an off switch.
I loved Travis but I couldn’t do a hundred more!
Fortunately, I didn’t have to. I had my two boys and they had each other. Travis and Tanner were perfect for each other and together we were a perfect little happy family.
Well, until the whole part where Tanner had to get dead.
Suddenly, nothing was as it was meant to be… not in our books, anyhow.
Travis was missing his brother, his playmate.
I was missing the sounds of siblings playing, laughing and even fighting.
Travis and I were both missing the joy of loving a kid with Down syndrome. Tanner brought into the house music, relentless singing and smile-inducing laughter.
It wasn’t but a few short weeks after Tanner’s death that Travis and I were already talking about adopting again. It was never then (and never ever could be) about replacing Tanner — there will never be another like our T-man — but it was about creating the big, happy, messy family both our hearts desire.
About three months AD (after death), I inquired with my former adoption agency about moving forward to bring a new child into our home. I was having a good week, felt I turned a corner and knew I could have handled it.
They insisted that all adoptive families wait a year after the death of a family member before proceeding.
I begged.
We didn’t want to wait. I knew how long the process could be and just wanted to get the balls rolling in the right direction. I was ready — we were ready — I assured them.
Nope. No way. No how. They wouldn’t budge.
Frustrated I resigned to wait the year. Not long after, I was dealt a series of additional blows and sunk into the deep depression I shared about in my last post.
I’ll never know if they were right to make us wait. Maybe they were and their prudence saved a child from coming into a home of a mom battling depression. Maybe a new child would have provided the distraction our brains needed from the cavernous holes in our lives and we would have all made it through that much faster. We will never know. I do respect the agency for erring on the side of caution.
For the last year I’ve been functional, just moving slower and void of much of the joys this precious life has to offer. But now, as I shared in my last post, I am finally and truly better!
The day after we hit the one-year anniversary of Tanner’s death, Trav and I “celebrated” our survival by requesting a homestudy packet from the adoption agency.
There will never be another Tanner, never ever, but we have beds open and hearts ready for whatever kid(s) God wants to bring into our family.
I may have let God know I’m pretty sure He wants to bring us more kids with Down syndrome!
They sent me the packet. I opened it up and began reading. In short order history repeated itself and I was once again overwhelmed with the adoption homestudy to-do list. Just as I had stated in my five-word email to my first social worker, Becky, back in 2003 I was sure that “World peace would be easier.”
Since April 12th I have been slowly chipping away at our adoption homestudy: a long series of documents, tasks and training that must be completed in order to foster or adopt in the state of California. One again, I survived the process. If you keep your eye on the prize, check items off one at a time, anything is possible.
Well, we’ve met the state requirements and we are READY TO ADOPT!
Our stated criteria of what we are looking to adopt is: boy or girl, ages 3-14, mild to moderate physical and/or developmental disabilities (preferably Down syndrome), 1-2 siblings, OR… whatever child God brings to us! I know what I think Travis and I want. I also know that God’s plan for our lives is always higher than our own.
Whatever child God wants to entrust to our care, to our family, we are ready to welcome.
It’s exciting!
Admittedly, I’m on pins and needles. Travis is understandably excited and nervous all at the same time. While we are optimistic about the joy that will come with again growing our family through adoption, we aren’t naive to think it will all be unicorns and rainbows. The potential of a younger child will bring the trials of starting over with a toddler in the house… an older child may bring the task of helping someone through a difficult transition to a forever family.
A few months ago, I vaguebooked about God having his own plans for my life. While Travis and I have been hoping for a brother close in age to him, my agency had presented the prospect of a young baby girl.
I freaked a little. “I’m a mom of boys!” I thought to myself. Dirt and bugs and blues and all the crazy inappropriate things little boys do… that’s what I know. Girls are crazy little aliens to me. Once the idea settled, I got excited. The potential of adopting this little girl propelled me on to finish my homestudy packet. The idea of her was what I needed to keep me pushing forward.
Since then, and before our home was officially ready, the little girl was placed with another family. It wasn’t meant to be.
Bummer. But… okay.
The same day we lost the opportunity to adopt baby girl, a new child was presented! Eeeeek! (I’m kinda freaking out a little. Join me, will you?!) While we were quickly smitten with this child from the very first photo it’s still very premature and could fall through for a million reasons… this rollercoaster of ups and downs is all part of the process.
Adoption is a wild and crazy ride, and certainly not for the faint of heart.
November was National Adoption Month, but it should really be every day. There are hundreds of thousands of children in the U.S. foster care system with a significant percentage of them seeking, waiting for a forever family to call their own.
My new hope is to take this journey and blog that began with Tanner’s tragic death, and let it truly become our story of how we choose to Live Like Tanner; lives that are joyful, filled with smiles and hugs for friends and strangers alike, and one that proves you don’t have to be blood to love with all of your heart.
Seatbelt fastened?
